Inspiration board

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Get yourself a notebook, or a piece of card or pin board, and put everything from pictures, to articles to video clips that inspire you, as this can help with anxiety and feelings of depression.

It is good to have a focus. I want to create my inspiration board for this blog, as there are videos and stories, I have come across through Youtube and books that have inspired me and could inspire you too.

I support mental health 100% because I have had mental health problems too, and can effect anybody, whether they are a millionaire to someone living on the streets, and can effect us at any point. Sometimes it may not be for one reason, but for many reasons.

I found this video on Youtube, by Tulisa, who was part of a band called N Dubz and an X Factor judge. She shares her story and others in this documentary, of young carers who’s parents had suffered with mental health, and how it can have a growing impact on young peoples lives.

This video was uploaded by Katie Thornton.

It makes me think of Henry, when he grows up, I hope he doesn’t have to be my carer when I am older, or will he suffer the same as he grows to have feelings and emotions.

I hope you find this video inspiring too, and let me know of videos and stories that you have found inspiring, I would be interested to find out.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

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Isolation

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Wasn’t sure where I wanted to write this blog, but I felt I needed to add it to this site, as when we are trying to conquer our goals, the one thing that can stop us is isolation. We can often feel like we aren’t part of society and alone.

When I feel isolated the one thing I do is get out of the house and go for a walk. The worst thing you can do is to stay in doors, home alone. Getting out is important, as isolation usually means you need a new environment, and space.

Feeling isolated can lead us to feeling depressed, so getting out will help stop the cobwebs, which is what I call depressive thoughts, from emerging.

Care, Feeling, Female, Couple, Give

If you do get invited out, unless there is trouble getting to somewhere, take up the invite and go.

Isolation means you need to be with people, and you probably find that they too have felt isolated and alone, all they needed just like you, a friend.

If someone does talk to you, give them acknowledgement, instead of trying to ignore them.

It is so easy at times to isolate yourself especially if you are a new mum for example, but this is where meeting other mums for example, can really help. Knowing you aren’t alone in feeling like you a walking meal on tap, as from my own experience, as much as I love my son I did feel often like a walking cow.

Getting out is important for isolation and a new environment can really do the trick.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

 

Handling Anger

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You go about your day happy as Larry, we sometimes call it, when people are content with their life, then suddenly someone barges you out of the way as if you aren’t there, you start to feel your mood change. You now feel as if someone has seen that you were having a good day, and peed all over it. “Thanks, that’s just great” you rage in your head”.

Now you feel your day is ruined. You feel there is no going back to feeling happy and you’re still playing the incident over in your head. You make it worse than what it is.

Can you get over it?

YES YOU CAN

I have been reading a book about anger because I knew it was something I needed to address. My mum says that “There is no point being angry as the only person who is angry is you”.  That is true.

“That person who has bumped into you without a “Sorry” isn’t gonna care, so why should you?”

It is a waste of energy. I no I get wound up, at times, but learning to control it is the key.

Stepping away, and taking yourself out of that situation, just to reason and think about it before reacting can help put a handle on your blowing a fuse.

If we shout at the person who pushed you out of the way, what would they do?

Do you want confrontation, no I hate that. I just want the person to see that pushing me out of the way isn’t acceptable. The person is too busy wanting to rush to wherever they heading, but I am sure if they played it back, or it happened to them, they would feel differently.

Reasoning sometimes is too quick, so saying something like, “You can say excuse me and I will move out your way or careful please” so making them acknowledge what they just did is good because I am sure we have all been in a rush and not meant to but accidentally bumped into someone, the worse thing is when they don’t acknowledge it, but I am sure if you do say something, not stroppy but so they see, the majority of people would be mortified and will say sorry, if they don’t it’s their problem not yours.

They may not react in the way you want or give you the response your want, but I do feel when people do that it is subconscious, and not a conscious thing they meant to do. They’re to busy caught up in their travels, so what is the point of being angry?

They aren’t the slightest bit interested in you to let it spoil their day so why let it spoil yours.

How many of us have flown off the handle, when looking back it was minor. Me and my hubby had an argument over a plate of chips and a draw once. Writing that down seems so daft, and I still think “What was that really about?” How could it have been avoided.

Well at the time my hubby was trying to give up smoking and so was suffering with cravings, so perhaps I could have been more understanding, instead of thinking he was making a personal attack, and he had a point.

Why would I be happy to share a plate of chips but not share a draw, as we both lived there, and where we were living at the time, we wasn’t exactly spoilt for room.

Most arguments and anger can be avoided, if we took some time to breath and think about it before reacting.

At dinner times with my son, there have been many tantrums and tears, including myself wanting to throw a tantrum.

Looking back and even now if he isn’t hungry enough he will kick up a stink to sit down and eat his dinner. At nursery and in the mornings, come breakfast time he is fine with sitting up at the table.

Those moments do pass, and my tip is, is to not make a meal out of it, but try to create calm before the storm, and that can be playing some peaceful music, or get them to sit and watch a bit of TV to let them know dinner is coming and so time to settle down to eat.

I have lost the plot at times when he has kicked off wanting a tantrum of my own, so the best way is to step away and then come back even if it just for a minute, just to breath and think about.

So tips to controlling your rage;

  1. Breath and think it, view it, counting to 10
  2. Learn to be mindful and enjoy nature, taking yourself out of the normal everyday can really help with the everyday hustle and bustle
  3. Think before you speak and remember that if it is second incident whilst out, the chances of you seeing the people who have caused you to rage are slim, so breath and remember the words “Not worth it”
  4. Listen to some soft music or take yourself out of the situation
  5. Be reasonable, you never know what someone else is going through or where they need to be going, so take reason as I am sure they didn’t mean to make you angry. No one has that attention, no one wakes up to make someone angry so try to be reasonable before reacting
  6. Let the anger seep through, this is where breathing and being mindful can really help.
  7. Never allow it to build up as it will be like a pressure cooker and over boil, so acknowledge, address and think it through
  8. Never allow it to take over and journal, if these emotions of anger are getting you down and controlling your life. Anger can have a funny way of turning our minds and making things to be more than what they really are
  9. Communicate effectively, shouting doesn’t always get your point across, so say it with stern so the person knows they have done wrong but not in an aggressive manner as it could turn
  10. Be wise and if it is a friend who has upset you, approach with calm. Think about what to say before you say it, but do let them know they have upset you. The worse thing I have done is attacked first and thought about it afterwards. Somethings are best left unsaid until the storm blows over, but never leave it for too long as once it passes as it can be a different to when you say it at the time
  11. Reflect
  12. Grab a cushion or a pillow and let your rage come out
  13. Once you learn how to handle your anger and emotions then you can put them into practice of other emotional feelings, such as frustration, which can lead to feeling angry, fear and anxiety. Get in touch with your emotions and yourself will help you to feel so much better, and gain back control.

So next time you feel angry or the pressure rising, take perspective and remember it won’t last forever.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

Finding Love

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Please see my blog post I wrote on my website, Sports and Fitness passion, about Meeting someone through sport. 

I was never someone who had loads of boyfriends and dated a lot.

I did go out with a few guys but nothing that was overly serious. It has to be right for you, and at the time of being with these guys I didn’t want to be in love. I wasn’t ready for that, it was just nice to have someone who liked me in that emotional way. It did help my confidence.

However I met my husband unexpectedly, when working at a holiday camp 15 years ago.

I have written more about this in my blog Building Relationships.

I had no intention of meeting anyone, and when I did, it just happened.

I did make the first move in the end, and sometimes that is what you need to do.

A great way to beat social anxiety and lack of confidence is to do somethings out of your comfort zone, and you never know if there is someone that you like, but neither of you are making a move, it could be that they are shy too.

SOMEONE HAS TO SAY SOMETHING!

I finally made first step when someone told me that, my now husband, could be potentially leaving the holiday camp and move on else where. I didn’t want to miss my chance.

We met up for a drink to begin with. I did stay at his but we didn’t do anything physical until later on as we continued to see each other.

That was important to me. It is all about learning to trust someone and finding that connection. Creating a potential foundation for yourself that will be there for you and help support you emotionally.

Never put pressure on yourself to be in love, but get yourself out of your usual environment and go to different places where you have a chance to meet someone. It is good to hang out with a friend that is very sociable as the chances are they will talk to them first, so then you can start talking to them.

Having a person who is an ice breaker and can open up the conversation for you is good, helps make it a casual met up. Have a chat, get to know them first, date and then see where it goes.

If you don’t take the plunge you never will.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

 

My Life Changes not resolutions

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Every new year now I no longer make resolutions. Instead I make life changes.

I find that changing it to that, helps me to stick to those changes.

I may fall off the rails from time to time, but I will always pick myself up and carry on.

life is full of hurdles and there will be times when I think “Why, why do I want to make this life change?” example my fitness.

From time to time, I have felt like throwing in the towel “No I don’t want to do any today, but then I feel anxious, like I haven’t accomplished much and get stuck in this battle with myself”.

As soon as I exercise whether it is running, walking or working out to a DVD at home, I am reminded why.

  • I feel I have more energy
  • I instantly feel like I have more time
  • I feel I can take on the day ahead
  • I become more relaxed, and laid back, instead of worrying all the time.

The one thing I am doing this year that I will change in my life, is to get ahead of myself. Hence why if you check out my websites below you will see I have written blogs about Valentines Day:

https://everydaylivingandlifestyle.wordpress.com 

https://sportsandfitnessandpassion.wordpress.com 

http://www.carriesreaworld.com 

The other thing I have done this year, is keep a fitness journal diary, aswell as my pesonal Filofax I use to bullet journal my training. I have a book for my fitness diary/journal and created a fitness diary in blog form.

I decided to do this, not to preach about fitness, but show how I go about it, the dilemmas I may face, but to show people it is okay. We assume as people we have to be this ideal perfect person of ourselves. Yet it can often be that we are chasing something that is impossible, which is being perfect.

Fact: No one is perfect and everyone’s definition of what is perfect is different, so you’ll never be that. What you can be is yourself and build on that.

. It is okay I know I will get those days where the old mindset of not wanting to workout, will try and fight its way back in, but I got to be strong and say “No this is what I need to help me feel good, to help me achieve all my goals in my life I set”

My point is, if I can do even if it is 5 minutes of training so can you.

That is not impossible. 

It isn’t about being someone else or changing completely, but something that will help move you to the next chapter in your life and claim the things you know you deserve.

Change your mindset.

If you want something get it. Don’t sit back, what if you knew you could get what you wanted in a day?

What would you do?

I have realised in order for me to feel body confident and get the size and shape I want to be, I need to be a bit more stricter with myself when it comes to fitness and my diet. I got to stop thinking “I can eat that cake, I’ll burn it off, no problem” I know I have been a bit reckless, and this has at the same time effected how I feel about myself, making me feel like I have less energy, not liking my image game.

I do not want to go down that road again, I know I deserve more, and so do you

So I am gonna take my diet and fitness more seriously, as I want to be more importantly a good role model to my son. I want him to have a well balance diet, but I know for him to have that I have to set an example.

When I see a chocolate bar and want to eat it, I now think “How will that make me feel later on?” Regretful. Not a good place to be. How will this look like to Henry, what message am I sending?

I am not saying, that I won’t have any, just not so much.

In relation to this I will be working out each day. So far in the week I am sticking with that, but finding weekends tricky but determined to stick to my life change and to find time at the weekends. If you want to know what I do I work in Customer Service.

I am giving up crisps. I made a choice, chocolate or crisps, and I chose crisps. Easy for me, and I don’t actually feel it is a massive lose.

The other is be financially free. I do have debts, and I am keeping a Debt Diary, to help me address my spending issue and to get my debt cleared. Again I want to use this so when I am financially free, I can say how I did it to help others. Use my negative situation into a positive and to help make sure it happens.

I have been watching a lot of Grant Cardone. If you don’t know who he is, here is a taster of one of his videos which got me first watching him. He gives some really good tips on how to get the job you want. Another life change for me this year, to create more income and to build towards getting the career I want.

 

He to me is a business man Guru, a Messiah in his field. He is also very funny, and gives some great tips about creating more income.

As money gets higher in value, the value of money you earn in your job, like mine will working in customer service, will decrease .The value of items such as clothes and shows, will start to increase in price, and so it is important to build a better income.

The one tip that really sits in my head is:

Only save unless you are doing it to reinvest

It’s not about how much money you have at the moment, but what you can create and build towards having.

So my last life change now, for myself and is to build a higher income for myself and get that job I want, in the process.

Changes you make shouldn’t be about the New Year, but things you do that will change your life for the better.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

 

 

 

 

 

 

Creating a foundation and following the unplanned

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The one thing I have learned from being a child, a teenager and an adult, is that the more of a foundation you create, the more you will be able to handle rejection, criticism and general negativity in your life.

You will never stop anyone from feeling negative towards you, there will always be people who will see things differently to you, but it doesn’t really mean they are wrong or you are, and there will always be, no matter what, people who do nothing more than bring you down. They want to bring you to their level to make them feel good, no matter what.

My advice,

Leave them in their misery”

“If they never have anything good to say, then let this be their problem, not yours. Never allow these people to stop you from what you believe in or what you want to do with your life as that is exactly what they want”*

 


What type of foundation should you create?

One that makes you smile when you feel down, and fulfils you. Gives you security and reassurance.

Those people around you who know how to bring you back to earth, and let you know that if what you plan in your life doesn’t go to plan, they still got your back regardless.


There is the negative and the positive foundation

Those who will instantly bring you up and those who will instantly bring you down, those who will purposely lead you down a bad road, and you end up hurting yourself and others.

How many stories do we read of famous people who end up with the people who dictate what they should wear, eat and who they should be in a relationship with, and ended up being with someone that changes their life forever, leading them into drugs and drink, and before they know it, their life is out of control.


Did they have a good or bad foundation?

I don’t believe people actually wake up in the morning to have a bad day.

If there was a pill to bring people happiness, I guarantee it would sell out within a day. I believe that people all want to feel good about themselves and feel fulfilled, because what is the point of being alive if not?

People who become famous for example, for singing, acting and creating worldwide businesses, obviously felt that this talent couldn’t got to waste and had a purpose to their life.

I never believe someone who becomes famous plans to fail or go down the wrong path, and purposely sets a bad foundation, but it can too often be because the people supporting them can often get lead by the fame too, and are forever saying “Yes” and not “No” and when people get used to people saying “Yes” to their needs, they can often go against those who say “No” when they are the ones who are trying to help them the most.

They get lost in the world of fame and find it hard to bring themselves up into the realworld again.

Then there are those who have started of with a poor foundation, or started of with a bad foundation, but through determination, strength and never letting any challenges pull them down, have thrived to create an amazing foundation, that can never be taken down, no matter what.

The one person who strings to my mind when I think of this, is famous people like Richard Branson, who started selling things out of the boot of his car and created one of the most famous brands in the world. Virgin.

However you don’t have to become a multi millionaire or even billionaire to create a good foundation, which can become unbreakable. Sometimes people who come from nothing to a millionaire can seem like they have a good foundation, but then get out of control and ended up bankrupt.

I remember reading one of Paul McKenna’s books and he described that even though he was in the prime of his career, how he felt empty and not completely fulfilled as he had hoped.

I remember the girl bad TLC, from the 90’s and they had a hit with “Don’t go chasing Waterfalls”, and looked like they were on the road to an amazing lifelong singing career, only for it to all come crashing down.

Now the bad no longer exist. Well I haven’t heard anything since watching VH-1 years ago, when they did a documentary on their career.

All the money they had made from their hits, had gone.

There will always be times when you will trip and fall, but creating a foundation around you will help support you.

I am also a great believer in that sometimes the unplanned is better than the plan, when something out of the blue occurs and it feels amazing and then you start to develop a foundation to maintain that unplanned event, that has changed your life.

An Example: I went to work down in Bognor Regis, as I wanted to work within a holiday camp and work within the entertainments department.

That never happened. Instead I met my now husband, and then within a year we were living together, and now 14 years later, we are married with a son, which was the greatest gift ever.


That has become my foundation.  

The roads we choose may vary, and it may take several routes for us to get where we really truly want to be, but with the correct people around us, to help us in our journey we are more than likely to succeed.

Be weary of who you choose. It is okay to be picky, just make sure that they suit you, and meet your expectations, are honest with you and you in turn respect them and treat them as part of a team, and give credit when it is due, there is nothing worse when you have helped someone, and they haven’t even said thank you.

My son and husband are my foundation. When I feel low, I just have to take one look at them and I feel good, I know I have something to succeed for.

I knew going to Bognor Regis I would gain my independence and find a life of my own, and I did just that. I did try getting into the entertainments side, but by then I was on the road to another path, and found my passion for fitness, taking on charity runs and did my first half marathon, I then found my passion again for writing and here I am.

Continuing with the foundation I already have, I have now started to create a another foundation, by having my own income again, for the next path, and I am no longer worried about following the initial plan, but setting myself goals and targets.

It isn’t about the plan, but what you learn and discover as you go about your life.

Related blog I recommend: http://balanceinme.com/blog/life-balance-foundation/

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

Building Relationships

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Being married for 10 years has had its ups and downs like most, and we certainly don’t spend every minute of the day together, I believe in personal space even being in a relationship, but I do also like our together times too.

We aren’t all over each other like a rash and we don’t always cuddle up at night. I like being left alone for some of the night, as I feel that this is my time to try and switch off and be in my own thoughts.

What we do have is understanding. We know we want to have that time together and when we want that space. You just sense it by the body language and the fact that my husband has his face berried in his tablet like myself at times.

Building relationships whether it be romantic or not, is part of the human being. Learning how to be around other people, respecting the other persons boundaries, even though you do get those who try and break them. You learn how to compromise and how to pick up tips from other people, which can inspire us.

We look at someone who we idolise on the TV as an example and we see the life they have to what we have, and we think “Wow I would love to experience that” so even though you haven’t met the person, you have already formed a relationship with that image of that person. You build up this admiration for them, you love their voice, what they have to say, their talent and sometimes you can feel as if they are a part of you. You want to know how they are like that and how can I be like that too?

Above is a photo of the extreme, those who go to lengths to look like someone else, but is this a good relationship.

I always think it is dangerous route to take. Idolising someone is different to copying someone completely, and that can be a bad relationship.

You can never be like someone else. You don’t know their thoughts unless you are a mind reader, only the person themselves know what is going on in their head, and your chasing something you’ll never be.

However you can also learn from this too. Look at how they walk, talk and stand, why they have so many people admiring them, and you can use their body language to help you too.

Language can really help when building relationships, as a lot of the time when a relationship breaks down, what usually comes up is the communication. The lack of it. When they talk to you it feels like an attack or a criticism. We can often feel that they don’t love us anymore because they are talking to us differently.

We can often put up a barrier in our communication, because of our tone of voice. We can sound like we are too busy with something else other than that person who loves us, but we don’t mean to, we get caught up in the everyday and we forget “Oh this person loves us”.

Or when we try to talk to our partners we can often feel they no longer want to talk to us, when if we waited for them to finish what they were doing, and be patient then that person will talk to us, once they are ready too.

We can be demanding “Why aren’t you talking to me” “Why are you not responding the way I want you too”. We often complain because we expect at times for our love ones to read our minds, but they are human too, and no man or woman is really a mind reader.

I am no relationship or marriage counsellor but I am a married woman, whose parents divorced when I was reaching the end of my teen years, and it was tough seeing the break up and being in it.

Once we take the pressure off from a relationship then both parties can feel relief. I know when I have piled too much pressure on mine and my husbands, because I have had too much of an unrealistic expectation. Like on days out and he hasn’t wanted to walk on further along the river, he can’t see what I had planned, he didn’t play out my head to see “Oh she wanted to go and walk along the River Thames to have a drink by Tower Bridge” no it was all in my head, but as soon as he didn’t want to walk that far, I felt hurt that I had spent all that time planning in my mind of the day. I felt he didn’t care because I had this ideal image of the day, that I never mentioned until he didn’t want to go there.

How was he supposed to know?

I kind of expected him to know. How?

If I had said from the beginning I would like to go and have a drink near tower bridge, I had planned it since planning this day, then I am sure he would have said “Okay” but I didn’t.

This again, was down to me not communicating correctly, which once I realised that I quickly learnt from. My job in customer service, one thing it teaches is how to form good relations with customers by using certain words and effective communication, but when it comes to using these lessons at home, there is often a communication break down.

So from looking outside of my relationship and from others I have witnessed, the important parts of building a relationship is quite simple.

Understanding, communicate effectively, pressure off and compromise when required.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

Social Anxiety at Christmas

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Christmas can bring a mixture of emotions. There are those that thrive at Christmas who can’t wait to get out their Christmas Reef and decorate their home and attend those every year get together’s with family and their work Christmas parties.

Then there are those who dread this time of year. They feel uncomfortable when it comes to being given a gift, as they aren’t used to showing delight, and now they feel they have to put on a show of gratefulness. Even if it is another pair of PJ’s or socks.

Dreading the Christmas party all those people in one room, to some there is nothing worse.

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Reading an article on the website http://www.mind,org.uk  in the UK 1 in 4 adults feel anxious about social gatherings during the festive period. I felt it the other day, when I went to attend a Mulled Wine and Mince pie evening at my son’s nursery. It was to look at our beautiful children’s art work and discuss about our children and how they were getting on at the nursery.

There was one point when talking I felt myself begin to stutter and became tongue tied and self aware, so as soon as I felt I was doing it, I stopped took a breath just for a second and then carried on.

It is learning the triggers of when you feel the anxiety and self consciousness step in, that can help you. To me it feels like a I have a widget just above the stomach and I can feel it raising higher up into my chest.

Also it is okay to say you have an issue aswell. I talked to them about me as a child and what my fears were at having my own children that they would go through the same feelings I did at nursery and at school, and it really helped.

Talking to someone about it first going through the feelings you feel can really make a difference.

If you are dreading the Christmas party, as with all the mind matters that I write about, one thing I would always recommend is to write it down and take perspective on your feelings.

Ask yourself when did these feelings begin?

Image result for Ask why do I feel this way?

Knowing how it feels when you dread meeting with people I want to help others to prevent those fears and feelings too. So addressing the history of those feelings, like if you have suffered bullying, you are paranoid because a passed event took place and it plays on your mind still and you worry in case it may happen again, is a great place to start.

You are worried about what to wear, you are fed up of feeling you don’t fit in, and that like I experienced in one of my work places, they only found me fun when I was drunk.

The last time I saw these particular colleagues was when I had met up with them in London, and we were having a laugh, I had a drink and I had decided to pop to the lavatory.

Coming back and retrieving my drink, I noticed it was suddenly tasting funny. It was only when I pressed the person who was looking after my drink, got stroppy and said “We’ve put a Tequila in it” and laughed. I was quite taken aback and I didn’t say anything but I was not happy.

They basically spiked my drink.

Now I am always up for a laugh, but the one thing I do not agree with doesn’t matter what it is. You should never spike someones drink. It is so dangerous, and what if I had, had a sudden allergic reaction. You just never know and people have and so from that night I decided perhaps it would be best to stay away.

I have never been in contact with them again.

It did make me avoid work parties and I only began to go out with my friends I know from school and I know I can trust.

Image result for causes of social anxiety

Going back and addressing the issues that first caused you to have the feelings of social anxiety can help you. Anxiety, as I have spoken in a video about, see video below, is an emotion that is there to protect us, but not control us.

When we have anxiety of any form it can usually be the “What if’s and who is going to be there”, “What if I trip and fall, I have my skirt tucked into my knickers again like last time”. It can be a medical issue that can hold us back. If you are worried about your breath, you are bloated and don’t want to break wind in front of everyone when having chat and a drink.

I know people will laugh at this, but it can be something that worries people and causes them to fear other people.

So work out what had triggered these feelings from the beginning

Then ask what could be the best thing about the Christmas party? What good things could happen?

This will help you to get in touch with your positive part of the brain.

It can feel at times so easy to listen to the negative part of the brain, because if something does happen, it’s that holding up your guard, as if to say you had kind of expected it, in some way, then it won’t be such a blow to the system if something does happen.

If that is the case let me ask you, will it make you feel any better knowing you were right that the worse thing did happen?

Another way of addressing such issues, is by grabbing a notebook, and right the best things about (using the Work Christmas Party as an example) of what could happen and why you should go, then number each line, from 1 to 5, and write down 5 things, doesn’t have to be an essay or many words, but to the point, of the really good things that can come out of the evening with your colleagues.

Example:

  1. I get to see my friend from another department I don’t always get to see
  2. A great opportunity to grow my own network of contacts in my work place
  3. I will get to wear that black dress I bought ages ago
  4. My friend is going so I won’t be entirely on my own
  5. All my colleagues have all said they would be really happy to see me there

Then on another page or underneath that write a list of 5 things, that you are worried about.

Example:

  1. I am worried about my skin looking too pale
  2. I feel like mutton dressed as lamb
  3. Not all my colleagues in my department are going
  4. I fear I may not know many other work colleagues there
  5. What if I am not able to make conversation

Recap:

  • Address when your social anxiety started

  • Then get in touch with the positive side of the brain to think of the good things about going to your work Christmas party

  • Then go through the list of things that is worrying you

Then you want to from 1 to 10, mark down the possibilities of each item you are worried about. For example, I am worried about looking too pale and if you feel the probability is a 9 out of 10, then what would help reduce that probability?

You watch programmes like TOWIE where it is fake tan galore and perfect skin and nails, but remember they have been dolled up for entertainment and would have spent ages in hair and make up.

There is no harm in pampering yourself, build the areas you do like about yourself.

To address the first item you are worried about, list 5 things you do like about your body and appearance.

I wouldn’t recommend sunbeds due to how bad they are for you, but you can get tinted moisturisers. Exfoliate first and then use tinted body cream or wash off tan.

Make sure you choose a tone that suits your skin. The last thing you want to look is orange, but have a healthy glow. However I do think pale skin can suit a lot of people. There are stars like Nigella Lawson, who oozes paleness and was seen as a domestic goddess.

What would increase your confidence in this area?

Again list 5 things.

Example:

  1. Choose an item of clothing that will help reduce the paleness. For example, red always suits me and blues. Finding the right colour clothing for your skin tone can make a huge difference.

  2. Show the assets I do like. Do you have a cleavage, do you like your legs or arms?

  3. There is an outfit that always suits me. Go and look at it and put it on and ask yourself, why this outfit always gains me compliments?

  4. My hair, I always get people saying how lovely my hair is. What could I do that will make me feel more elegant and take the eyes of my pale skin?

  5. Could I be anaemic? I am being serious, I was pale as a child a lot and it turned out that I had a low immunity especially during my periods, so you may be lacking some iron in your body. Worth getting checked out.

Then do the same for the next one in your worried list.

Addressing the issue is the key to finding a solution. Once you find a solution then you can start putting pieces of the puzzle together to help build your social insecurities

You have to be honest with yourself. The more honest you are the more you will find the answers and be able to help build your confidence in social situations.

Then write 5 things of how you will feel if you don’t go to the Christmas party?

Example:

  1. I will feel that I missed out and there will be loads of chatter about it in weeks to come, and I won’t feel part of it causing me to feel even more left out
  2. Relieved but guilty, due to people asking why I wasn’t there
  3. Childish and defeated
  4. Missed a great opportunity to form stronger relationships with colleagues. Some evenings, in my experience, I have had out have been the best way to get to know people and form friendships at work. People outside of the working environment, tend to be more relaxed when socialising with work colleagues once the working day has finished
  5. Annoyed at myself for not having the guts to go, and now I feel like I have taken a step backwards

Then close your eyes thinking about what you have written, play the movie of the image of you at the Christmas party. Picture both images, the areas where you are worried, and the areas where you have written down that you feel would be a good idea to go to the Christmas party.

Start to reduce the negative image of you at the Christmas party and increase the positive image.

Keep imagining this until the negative image is a dot and the positive image is so big you feel you can almost touch it, then imagine the negative image going completely. Do this several times, before the party, and this will really help you to fight against the anxiety and not allow your social anxiety to hold you back.

I really hope you find this blog helpful and many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X

Feeling Lonely- Will It Ever Go Away

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For some, this time of year is the time to be jolly and excited about gifts they will receive or buy, and seeing friends and family they haven’t seen for a long time.

Then there are others who will be on their own at Christmas. The percentage of the elderly who feel lonely has increased this year, and I find it so sad, but at the same time I do identify with those feelings.

There have been times when I have felt alone, I was never a girl who had loads of boyfriends, and my friends once they began to see boys, often created a new circle so the circle I had with them, started to fade too.

When talking to one of my friends, even when she had a boyfriend she still often felt lonely.

If you look up the word Lonely on the internet you’ll see the definition on Google browser to mean,

“sad because one has no friends or company”,

but even when we have company if we feel unattached to the people around us, we can feel lonely too.

So I feel the word “Lonely” to be sometimes defined incorrectly.

I see it as someone who feels unattached from the world and the people around them.

Listening to a phone in on the ITV 1 program This Morning, a lady called up saying how Lonely she felt, she felt she had no one. She had tried going to a local club, but still she was one her own.

man-mountain-nature-sunset

Feeling like we have no one can send us to the rock bottom and that can lead to depression, falling down a steep hole as I have often seen it, and it is a battle to try and get out of the hole, dropping deeper and deeper.

What I would say is, write a list of the people who you do know, or have known. I often find that writing about my feelings as I have written in many of my blogs, to be so useful and I would always recommend keeping a journal.

I have kept a journal all the time, and have done so from a young age, maybe not continuously filling it in everyday, but have always had one there so when I need to, I know it is there for me to share my thoughts and fears. I have different ones, my everyday bullet journal which is a quick note down of my day and what is coming up, a one where I share all happy thoughts and memories and another for all my personal fears and feelings.

A Self Help book I would recommend is a book called “Mindfulness on the go” written by Padraig O’Morain, a bit of peace in your pocket.

 

mindfulness-on-the-go

Mindfulness on the Go a definite book I recommend helps you reattach yourself with the people and world around you.

This will help re-attach you to the world. Be with the world around you, look at the buildings, the roads, people, cars going by, nature and will help you have peace with yourself.

Before you can attach yourself back to the world, you have to build the confidence within yourself.

How are you supposed to be happy with the world and make friends, if you don’t make friends with yourself and be happy with yourself?

Take the pressure off, don’t push yourself to go to the local club you have checked out, until you are ready. Take gradual steps.

Mindfulness helps you to concentrate on your breathing whilst appreciating the things that are around you.

Walking through my local common for example and being mindful, has really helped me when I have felt low and helped to reattach myself, and see that there is a magnificent world out there.

Getting in touch with nature, visiting a local farm, a zoo, or just going for a quiet walk not particularly having a plan of where to go, but just getting to know the place you live again, and as you do so, if someone says good morning, afternoon or evening, say it back.

I have noticed since walking through my local common how often other people are a lot more friendlier, and appear to be happier, and there is at least one person who will greet me and notice me. There is something about nature that helps others relax and be approachable.

Go for a coffee and if someone smiles or you see someone looking for somewhere to sit and they to are on their own too, why not ask them to join you?

This is one of my husband and I’s regular ways we reattach having a coffee together, or spending sometime away from where we live, having a few drinks and a bite to eat. Being by the sea can really make a difference in your feelings. I always feel happy with my life and get to know people when I am in a peaceful surrounding.

It is the little things that create the big things in life, and sometimes as a couple it can be so easy with work and children to become unattached from each other, that you start to feel lonely. So having sometime just the two of you, can really make all the difference.

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Image from: https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=take+on+a+challenge&biw=1365&bih=785&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwibkIaksKvQAhXBAMAKHU01DgoQ_AUIBigB&dpr=0.75#imgrc=P-IDB95jJbPGNM%3A

A good way to help loneliness is to take on a challenge. Back when I was living in the South Coast of England, there was a period where I would look in the mirror at myself and cry and I felt like my life wasn’t going anywhere.

It was in May 2005 when I knew I had to change things. I decided I was once and for all going to make fitness a part of my everyday lifestyle and set myself up on a challenge. The year 2008 I took on the Great North Run. Something I never thought I would ever do.

It was the biggest thing I had ever achieved in my life and it proved to myself that if I wanted to make a change in my life and create better things, I was capable of doing so. Taking on the Great North Run was what I needed to make me see what I could do when I put my mind to it. There were people who didn’t even know me, but took an interest and gave me a cheer on.

Open your eyes at the people next door or who have invited you out and you have turned them down. If you have kept saying no and they no longer ask you, that is because once people often hear the word “No” they will stop asking. You will be surprised that they will then miss your company too. So if you see them again, why not ask them if you can finally take them up on their offer and join them.

I have often felt lonely as a new mum, feeling isolated and I still do at times. I still even now that Henry is 3 years old, still feel at times that I am getting things wrong, but then I look at my boy, who is very healthy, very sociable, happy and loves to explore and I know I must be doing something good, right? It has made me more confident, it has helped me chat to other mums who are feeling the same and just having a chat to them can make all the difference to them too.

Motherhood is challenging and if you are a mum feeling lonely then remember the little creation you have bought into the world. Giving birth is a challenge in itself, so taking on other challenges that will give you a chance to meet other a people, like a charity walk or run, will really help you beat the loneliness.

Many thanks for reading,

 

Carrie X